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Five criminals who are dumb as rocks

By Mason White 10:58 AM August 29, 2013
Suspect and lawyer illustration 

By: Shifra Unger
The Darwin Awards exist for a reason, and although stupid criminals might make us laugh, they’re indicative of real problems.

Officials in Great Britain have reported that the effectiveness of their closed circuit monitoring system has dropped by 50 percent in the past five years, but that just means criminals have to find new ways to skirt the system, according to The Telegraph.

With current challenging economic conditions, thieves have had to become more creative and resourceful in their endeavors. From petty theft to phishing, criminals are taking their game to new and innovative levels. However, this is far from true for all criminals, as there are still plenty of dumb ones out there to amuse and amaze us…

1. Playing Dead at a Funeral Home

An Oddee blog post focused on the ten dumbest criminals included a man who tried to rob a funeral home in Spain in 2008, and then attempted to hide from police by pretending to be among the deceased; however, two things blew his cover. Number one: he breathed. Number two: he wore dingy criminal clothes instead of his Sunday best.

Nearby neighbors heard the door of the funeral home break open and alerted police. Officers arrived with the owner to find the burglar laying “in repose” in a glass encased chamber used to view deceased loved ones. It turns out this wasn’t this criminal’s first offense — but it was likely his most memorable.

2. Calling Ahead

In 2008, Daniel Glen of Windsor, Ontario was charged with robbing a convenience store after calling ahead to inquire how much money was currently in the till, according to the Oddee blog post. The clerk immediately called police, who were able to arrest the suspect lurking near the store. Local news stations reported it was suspected that Glen had pulled off two similar incidents recently in the area through the act of vishing. By calling ahead first to make sure that the cashier had plenty of cash on hand, he figured he’d get it bagged up for himself when he got there. Now that’s bold , as well as stupid.

3. The Dumbest Cybercriminal

SC Magazine reported that when Ned Jones of Georgia walked into the Augusta Police Department to file a theft report for a missing laptop, it seemed pretty routine — until he included the fact that the laptop contained over 30,000 identities that he had stolen!

Of course, he was immediately hit with identity theft charges, but not without protest. His excuses included:

“Online identity theft is like stealing music; everyone does it.” “Many people know the pain of having their identities stolen, but can you imagine the frustration of having over 30,000 stolen from you?” According to SC Magazine, Jones faces up to 30 years in prison for his offense. It’s too bad ALL identity thieves aren’t that stupid, but the unfortunate truth is that many are quite savvy.

4. Walk Much?

The Oddee blog post explains that a thief who stole $300 worth of hunting knives from a Michigan store was leaving the scene when he tripped, stumbled and was stabbed in the stomach by some of the knives. Ouch! Store employees caught up with him and confronted him. A scuffle ensued in which he fell and injured himself further with the knives still tucked away in his pants. The suspect was hospitalized and eventually received a misdemeanor shoplifting charge.

5. Drinking and Stealing

A burglar in Germany stole a bottle of pricey champagne to celebrate his successful theft of cash and jewelry. He proceeded to get really drunk and then park in his car on the side of the road to “sleep it off.” Concerned motorists called police when they saw the man slumped over the wheel of his car on the side of the road. When officers arrived, they checked his ID and found out he was wanted in a string of robbery cases. (They went on to add “drunk driving” to that list as well!)

While crime is no laughing matter, especially if you’re the victim, you can’t help but chuckle at criminals like these!